Fall through pain
by Jeannie-Mckay
Summary: A few weeks after 9/11 Mac is still in pain. ONE SHOT


Title: Falling through pain

Rating: T for references to suicide...can you tell I like this particular rating?

Summary: A few weeks after 9/11 Mac is still in pain. ONE SHOT! This is set before season one, however I wasn't sure when Danny entered the CSIs whether it was at the beginning of season one or if he was already established by then. Anyway, if I've got it wrong in here then do let me know because I'm curious. I haven't been able to watch season one yet, unfortunately.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything to do with the CSI franchise, unfortunately.

Author's Note: I got this really random plot bunny in my head and I had to write it down, I wasn't sure whether it had the right tone, in fact I'm still not sure but I wanted to get it out of my head. This is what happens when I'm meant to be finishing off my other CSI:NY fanfic, I promise I'll get the next chapter up soon! Anyway please do read and review because all your reviews mean a lot to me.

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy reading this.

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He'd been on the edge so many times. On the brink of no return, standing hundreds of feet above the millions of New Yorkers wandering below and wondering what they'd think if he just happened to step off and fall. He had never truly understood depression until that day, that fateful day which caused him so much pain and practically destroyed his life. After that day he was forced to rebuild his life, start over, against his will. Why couldn't things have stayed the way they were? He'd liked them. But no, he'd lost his wife and nothing was ever going to change that.

Mac stood on the edge of the roof of the CSIs headquarters, green eyes staring straight ahead of him. All it would take was one foot over the edge, the other would follow and then the pain would stop. That's all he wanted, to be free of all the hurt and anger that was flowing through him. Below him he could hear taxis honking their horns at other motorists and the faint chatter of pedestrians as they went about their business with no idea that however many feet above them there was a man who was willing himself to jump into the air and fall towards them. He'd been through the routine of dealing with grieving loved ones many times during his work with the NYPD, often they would have to come into identify the body and they'd just break down. But now it was his turn to be on the receiving end, everyone was giving him those sympathetic glances, the small words that were meant to offer comfort and solace but which actually gave nothing more than a constant reminder that she was gone. Every time someone said 'I'm so sorry' he could feel the bitterness rise up inside him, he didn't want people to tell him they were sorry, he didn't need people trying to make themselves feel better by apologising for something they could have done nothing about. No, what he needed was to stop the pain.

He closed his eyes briefly taking a deep breath, his toes creeping over the edge until they were met with nothing. As he opened his eyes again he couldn't resist looking down, beneath him people were going about their business. The scar of 9/11 was on everyone's mind but no one down there seemed to care…if he died would anyone care? It'd probably be on the news 'nut job jumps off building onto crowded street' and then be forgotten. But he'd see her again…that's all that mattered. The sun was high in the sky and for a second Mac looked out over the city; from up here he could see the tops of many of the high-rise buildings, blocks of flats all full of people going about their daily business. Nothing was different about this day for them. Had it really only been three weeks since those planes had crashed into the towers? Had it really been that short a time since he'd last kissed his wife good-bye as they left for work in the morning? He could still remember holding her in his arms, her perfume, her smile. God he missed her so much.

A solitary tear fell upon his cheek, slowly trailing its way down to his jaw before hitting the brick he was standing on. He'd taken so long to build up these defences against the outside world and here they were crumbling down, one tear at a time. Sometimes he could hear her voice in his mind telling him to be strong, that he had to get through this because one day he'd be able to be happy again. How the hell could he be happy again? She was the love of his life and she was gone. Gone, just like that. One minute she's here and the next…the next he gets a visit from a uniformed officer saying that they've been unable to find her body but that they believe that she was killed. At first he hadn't believed them, he'd actually gone to Ground Zero to try and find her. She couldn't be dead; she was just hidden underneath a bit of rubble. In the end he had had to be escorted off of the site and Stella had kept him in the house. He'd gone frantic, calling her cell over and over again, willing her to answer but she never did.

Everyone kept on telling him that it would get easier, but it won't. Grief never goes away; you just get better at hiding it underneath everything else. That's what he'd been doing recently, piling on the workload to try and forget. The only thing was that people noticed, they kept on asking if he was alright because he seemed to be working himself too hard. How could they not understand that work was good for him? It helped him work out his problems…well most of the time. His friends had tried to be there for him but to tell the truth they had no idea how to help him. He never thought it was possible to feel like this, like he was literally missing a part of himself, his heart felt like it had been ripped in two.

More tears slipped down his cheeks, he tried to get his emotions under control but it was impossible. He couldn't do it. This was why he had to do this. He couldn't deal with all this anymore, it was just too much. He'd left them a note, on his desk, telling them all that he was sorry but he couldn't stay here anymore. There was that word again 'sorry', it could mean so little at times like these but it was essential, because he _was_ sorry to leave them. They'd made his life so much better, helped him see light in the dark times…it's just this time there didn't seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel. This time he was so very alone in the darkness.

He edged forwards again, his heartbeat quickening as most of his foot appeared over the edge. Time to go. Time to leave this all behind. His mind began to turn back to his friends, Stella, Flack, Aiden and the new kid, Danny. He hoped they'd miss him, he knew Stella would. She'd probably end up blaming herself, thinking that if she'd done more she could have stopped him. Danny was only young, as was Flack, they had potential he'd seen it almost immediately and they'd clung to him like a parent or older brother. Aiden, well Aiden would never forgive him for this. They were like a family, a very dysfunctional family.

_'Don't leave them, Mac. They need you. Don't do this, please.'_ There it was again, her voice floating on the soft breeze that was playing with his hair. How he wanted to believe her, if only he knew that she was real. He wanted to talk to her again so much.

_'Baby you can, you'll always be able to find me. I'll always be with you, but if you do this then you're going to lose everything you've got here. They don't deserve this.'_ She was right. Their faces swum through his mind, and he felt the tears pick up their pace as they fell down his cheeks. He couldn't leave them. Who would look after them when the going got tough? With a sigh he stepped backwards, moving his feet away from the edge until he stepped off the raised platform at the edge of the roof. His legs would no longer support him and he collapsed onto the floor, giving in to his grief, allowing the tears to fall freely.

Suddenly the door to the roof burst open, he could hear someone running towards him and he turned his gaze to see who it was. Salty tears were blurring his vision but he saw a figure with a black leather jacket and black hair, Flack.

"Mac?" He tried to say something, anything, but all that came out was a croak. The other man seemed to understand and without a second thought Mac felt arms around him, as he was pulled towards Don in a hug. If he'd jumped it would all be over but he would have lost them all. She was right he would have lost everything. The people here were his family now, he couldn't lose them too. Not now. Not ever. Finally Don pulled away and looked him in the eye, fear evident in his gaze.

"You okay?" Of course he wasn't, but he would be. In time. "Let's get you back inside, okay? Don't worry I've got the note, I'll get rid of it. Just don't go scaring me like that again, eh Mac." A small, trembling smile appeared on Mac's lips as he nodded slowly, he knew that this was going to be difficult. But he had to remember that he had others here, he wasn't alone. Not anymore. One day he'd be able to think of his wife with fondness, not with grief. One day he'd be able to look to the future, but right now he had to take each day as it came. Only a few moments ago he thought that he'd never love again but now he realised that there were people here that he loved. Love was what would bring them all through this. Love would end the pain, of that he was sure.


End file.
